1. |
They'll Even Use My Name
07:30
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i got a pack on the hunt for me
their monochrome flags with the one blue stripe
ive made my bed in the trunk in wooden crosshairs
waiting for the truth of how they know me to shred me ripe
succeeding this life is russian roulette played with a blank
reaching for an old couple across a world-long lake
i hold my olive branch
the olives plucked and promptly thrown to the dogs over the old wire gate
they smile so sweetly
dodge so plainly
avoiding openness
with soft and tender blindness
they will do anything
to manufacture kindness
theyll even use my name accidentally
castigated
invalidated
maybe even one day forceably castrated
unadvocated
investigated
quietly slated for uncertainties to come
some backwoods strangers who call themselves my cousins
they don’t want to see me
cause they know theyd wanna kill me
hey deadname your hair has gotten
so fuckin long
and your clothes are so much brighter than the ones you used to wear
i have evidence that i cant show
its in the way i always feel and how the cycles unfurl
all i meet they never see the broken girl underneath
i am the greatest unsung actor in the whole fucking world
its so easy to love a country
that hates everything that it taught you to hate as well
yes its me the faggot bastard child
who always let you down
have you come to watch me die
here’s the thorns, make your crown
go tell them its gods will
to just accept it
our son chose this fate
he can’t regret it
we only hope he was prepared to accept his fate of choice
that’s what happens you play with the wrong toys
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2. |
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nighttime screaming morning smile
cause your genuine
every now and a while
mask on mask off
i got something you seem to want
or need
is it want
it really is need
nighttime scream and morning smile
im just the kid who is conveniently forgetful
its all in my head cause
that’s where you want it kept
isn’t it so nice to have a secret
that I won’t ever let out
nighttime scream and morning smile
in my room 5 hours a night
strip down yr fugitive
and may they learn well
or may they learn hell
in a hacky sack
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3. |
Bad Friends Forever
03:45
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there were times i would tend to forget the things that triggered you
you would tell me your a bad friend id say thats ok i am too
crossing scars
and crossing stars
i would always wish there was something i could do
whenever i watched you leave the room
but i knew someone loving was nearby most of the time
and i felt good knowing you'd be fine
and i hope we can stay bad friends forever
jumping back and forth in book and song
and i hope i can stay clever for you
there were times i was so afraid
that pain would keep us distanced
panic in the front seat
switching in the back seat
walking in the dark
thinking that i wasn't wanted
later i would hear you tell me
that you all are always thinking about me
and your expression when you hear about the newest thing im writing
matches all yr own in its unabashed beauty
and you'd show me all the newest things you also wrote
and i'd be so in awe cause yr such
a genius
how are you not a best selling et
i still remember when you said the same thing to me
how you wish we could set aside our traumas and illness
and engage on the artistic level we know that we both want to
nowadays its all the more revitalizing to me just to be able to see you again
and feel like we'll be bad friends forever
jumping back and forth in book and song
and i hope i can stay clever for you
let's keep on being bad friends forever
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4. |
Bethany
05:45
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lost
a lot like i
the price thats paid
for being a kid in our time
how long has it been
at least since ought five
to tell you the truth
from what ive heard its amazing
that were both still alive
but why do you listen to her
never did nothing but hurt her little girl
for nigh on 20 years
what makes you think
she wouldnt do the same to you
if you were hers
thats right
i hope that doesn't surprise you
just that you would probably
remember me would just as much surprise me
ive been a girl now
for some time
if that drives you away thats okay
i dont really expect anyone to be kind
the places you look
for your answers
just so you know
are the same places where
the questions all began to grow
she wears a smile where her heart should hang
bears a pair of glass crosses shaved into a pair of fangs
holding a spirit made of ashes in her eyes
seeping from the holy acid in her blood
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5. |
The Wettest Cold
05:07
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I am not defined by what destroys me
I cannot relate to that which I endulge
it's a bigger beast than i ever hoped to be
keeping all its slaves contained in its bulge
I am not the face of my victor
I am not a wall between me and the needing heart
I am not a platform to be stood on by a rich man
and if my light blub heart goes out forever
I can light a candle to keep my name
I was raised in the wettest cold so I'm sure
I'll be warm if I get older
I'll be warm when, not if, I get older
even in another life I'd power on
I wouldn't have to change anything
nobody learns anything in heaven
many would be itching again for a fun little fling
I'd like to hope we'll still celebrate my birthday
run away and find a deer bone fairy circle in the woods
then to fields where we will all scream
and fall on each other with great abandon
and if my light blub heart goes out forever
I can light a candle to keep my name
I was raised in the wettest cold so I'm sure
I'll be warm if I get older
I'll be warm when, not if, I get older
I am here to live through what I was given
and give life to whom I was put close to
I don't care if it makes you livid
that I'm smiling even in this bed
even if im crushed by the weight of 20 shields
I will still see Chelsea walking free
and in those languishing moments ill smile and think
that does it enough for me
and if our light blub hearts go out forever
We can light a candle to keep our name
I was raised in the wettest cold so I'm sure
I'll be warm if I get older
I'll be warm when, not if, I get older
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6. |
Cat and Crustacean
03:07
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a cancer sun
a leo sun
the cat and the crustacean
wondering where the rams gone
the ram they knew wasn’t full grown
didn’t have her horns in
had a lot of thorns in her hooves and
they never had to feel the cane of a shepherd or the sheering knife
the cat and crustacean did watch one day
the ram say
im keeping that which keeps me warm
ill let it grow in all the colors its commanding
you won’t recover me
I’m not just simply lost
the ram she hardly looks a ram now
but something much wiser and sager
her horns grown and promptly shaved
the small crustaceans only just now discovering what there is outside of a molted shell
the cat waits for something nobody knows what
her motives are uncertain for the time, oh well
a cancer sun
a leo sun
the cat and the crustacean
wondering where the rams gone
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7. |
It Shouts Back
04:45
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Is someone living inside that barn,
is it just another shadow spun out of yarn
Am I the only girl living in these woods
are the wolves my sisters have they got the goods
I've never seen a building taller than my head
and the fog makes me think the perimeter's dead
and we've risen up island in the sky
a big blanket of trees with a dark deep eye
The place on the corner's been a bar
and a gift shop
a fishing shop
an abandoned shack
the path splits apart going high up a hill
I shout at the old house
it shouts back
hear an old man yell and a young one cry
like the birds and the bees and someone's weary sigh
See the boys have congregated
hear something being amputated
is there a snowstorm or is it just
all of this fucking town's insufferable white crust
I walked in barefoot in the gravel to the woods back there
I blend in perfect thanks to my green hair
My Whole world used to be on this shire in hell
and I burned in the grins I cracked
I fell through the cornfield craving its waste
shouting at the old house
and hearing something shout back in haste
Every yard got a dog and every dog's got a plan
The wilder they got when the farther they ran
I'm amazed that I can come and go as I am
Born here a tree stump, die near a tran
Down the roads that fold like a sailor's knot
Near the church so I can go and see what ghosts they got
I'll have a big yard next to the old ravine
finally a place I can lay down and scream
The place on the corner's been a bar
and a gift shop
a fishing shop
now a leaf on a stick shack
black smoke rising in the backyard
beyond the old house screaming hard
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8. |
Terrified
01:54
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they just took franklins head off of the hundred dollar bill
and replaced it with my girlcock because i am important
of course that all was a way bakc when capitalism broke our minds
and men wore these big suit and ties and now they just wear nothing
and im terrified
terrified
terrified
terrified
im terrified
terrified
terrified
terrified
my parents would be so mad at me for writing songs that sound like this
im such a disbehaving girl i can't believe im even kissed
don't ask me for another song this is the only one i'll play
and then i'll nervously run off and piss myself backstage
cause im so terrified
terrified
terrified
terrified
im terrified
terrified
terrified
terrified
that's all the words that's all the words don't look at me don't look at me
that's all the words that's all the words don't look at me don't look at me
that's all the words that's all the words don't look at me don't look at me
that's all the words that's all the words don't look at me don't look at me
im terrified
terrified
terrified
terrified
im terrified
terrified
terrified
terrified
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9. |
Terrifying
07:10
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loosening your grip on my hand
despondent staring at our legs crossed on the lawn
as the blossoms trinkle down
and a branch above my head lets loose
and im covered in pink from head to shoes
i look at you but you aren't even laughing
and it then occurs to me
neither am I
we are so much the same
like we both feel its going badly
somewhere along the way
i made a huge mistake
and that mistake was me
being born under the wrong stars
time and time again
have we been poisoned since when we were small
and were we never able to really ugly
cry about it at all
in the arms of a gentle terror like my own
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10. |
She Taught Her
04:14
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she taught her love was happiness when she was miserable
she taught her love was misery
when she was maybe happy
she taught her love was screaming at a flower in her hair
she taught her love is hate and hate is only an opinion
she taught her love is making sure she knows that shes an idiot
she taught her love is screaming at her when she feels like it
and for my next trick ill
go into a
she taught her
that she was a son
not a daughter
that she was a sin
to be slaughtered
she made her think
she bought her
always likes to pretend
she caught her
dead red handed in the act
like a bandit from the rat trap
that chases her down in the dreams she gets off at
she taught her love is worshipping her when it is mothers day
she taught her love is worshipping her when its her birthday
she taught her love is worshipping her cause shes supposed to
she taught her love is throwing her straight out of nest
when she cant fly yet so she just explodes upon the ground
and she lies back smiles slowly at the other baby birds beside her
and for my next trick ill be forced into a
chorus
i told her all the things that she said to me
i said get ready for the consequences that you set for me
are you slipping in your black and white world right now?
cast down
beat around
the bush whackin
no
good
dirty rotten
pig stealing
great great
grandfather
motherfuckin
crease wipe
lead pipe
lots of life
in my brain wife
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11. |
Mother Maybe
04:24
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talk to me
with a soft smile
reassuring voice
sit with me
ask me a question you think i should answer
is there anything
that you find interesting in me
or are you just curious naturally
i know im pretty quiet
or lost in a different space
i figure you can identify the lakes
that seem to coat my face
or maybe the hear the silent call
i always make
in a house full of people where i wander alone
looking like i cried myself awake
could you be my new mother maybe maybe
could you be my real mother maybe maybe
come to me
once in a while or a lifetime
even when im not there
please come here
any day any time is fine
everywhere i go im seen like a creature
some places though im seen like a teacher
in this house we are all teachers
i know im pretty different
wildly strange at times
the fire and water crashing in my heart
creates many unusual paradigms
your heart shaped hands
and tight embrace
makes everything momentarily
fall in the right place
could you be my new mother maybe maybe
could you be my real mother maybe maybe
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12. |
Favorite
03:21
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am I your favorite
am i their favorite
blood dripping from a crate unseen
falling asleep on the screen broadcasting death endlessly
i was not the girl of the girl of my dreams' dreams
so i had to grow by other alternative means
mother called me the favorite
her favorite to hate
and i think i may have run from home too late
dont be swayed
by the way my eyes are flashing
just eating the contents of my purse
thats normal
oh god
im sorry
god damn
im crushing
this is awkward
wow im gay
im straight
im grey ace
its just that yr amazing and such
you are my favorite
some days
my movements may jerk
and i may pull the fabric of our life at the seems
am i a walking target
will the man with the torch in his hand stare with killer eyes at me
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13. |
I'd Talk To You
04:57
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id talk to you if that was what you wanted
youre sitting at the table right next to mine
i cant tell if you know thats me under the black sunhat
under the antique coffee machine
i know now that I shouldn't be told
id talk to you if i had more courage
but you seem like you have better friends
the circles have shifted a lot around here
no one seems to like each other anymore
distant it seems that one perfect summer we all had together before
id talk to you if you actually bothered to listen before you talked to me back
i dont give a fuck that your older
i dont give a fuck if you think youre wise
especially when you think your religion has given you perfect eyes
id talk to you if they would allow me to talk to you again
it might be many years before then
think of me
i hope you learn to love me
as ive learned to love you
and miss you dearly
as ive learned to love you
and miss you clearly
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14. |
I Once
02:13
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I once knew a boy
who always came to school late
always sat alone
staring at the back gate
now she's one of the most pretty
girls I've ever seen
I still come back to that old school
and see her crying
I once knew a girl
who plucked me out from heaven
asked me isn't it
so fucking dull up there
and I said yes
she left me fist held to her soul;
that look she gives me
Must I be a fire sign
engulfed by sea and
I once pulled a string
and you were on the other end
you asked me did I meet
the pidgeon with the letter that you sent
I wrapped her softly in a
blanket i replied, gave her some tea
she'd flown so far and couldn't make it
but she tried.
I once met a moon
I underestimated
just how gay she was
she left me fully wasted
that moon was just a meteor
they said to me the next day
I almost said a prayer but I
just said, "okay"
I once knew a girl
who had the deer-in-light stare
was cast in a film
a fully written nightmare
mad scientist director
waved around his giant sceptor
tore her heart out then instructed her to
do the scene without it
and I
once knew a man who died
listening to this song
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15. |
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another death inside my phone
another sigil scrawling
another pair of new eyes watching in awe as i play guitar kind of badly
born inside an underwater monster
who breathed through her eyes
i aged 55 in just one day
and swam into a deep orange sky
i was chosen by the angel of motherhood
she placed her claws on me
sucked away my drive and vitality
my artistic light
my need to fight
turned it into what became this
beautiful creature in my arms
and all i can think about now
is how terribly i will disappoint them
you sent me a picture of you naked
sprawled across yr bed again
it looked as if i was laying naked next to you
kissing your soft pretty head again
buried in our long dark hair
there's a light within yr moans
next month we never knew each other
and you find another to call home
i was chosen by the angel of motherhood
she placed her claws on me
sucked away my drive and vitality
my artistic light
my need to fight
turned it into what became this
beautiful creature in my arms
and all i can think about now
is how hellish the world will be when they come of age
another breath into my sage leaves
lost in estrodiol smoke
another desperate message
another wish that id just choke
i was chosen by the angel of motherhood
she placed her claws on me
sucked away my drive and vitality
my artistic light
my need to fight
turned it into what became this
beautiful creature in my arms
and all i can think about now
is how badly i will accidentally hurt them
is how many times ill just break down and cry with them
|
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16. |
Vanishing
06:43
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san pellegrino with frozen candy and some forgotten drink
a raspy frail black cat with bowie eyes just about on the brink
you mention to me that somethings up in the basement where i sleep for the night
my mind runs wild when you leave the room
i dont feel safe even in the light
are there muppet like ghosts with no pupils in their eyes
no bodies at all shaking and chillingly bellowing something
the ghost of yr grandma haunting this place
in a bathroom straight out of the shining
in the room in which i dare not face, she
who died vanishing into a growing sea
people are good today i say to myself as i lay in the couch of a new place just for a day or two or three
think about what you said about yr dad to me
and what he abruptly said leaving
to that old wizard
you told me theres more
i dont pretend like i dont see
what neverybody's not looking for
i can safely say that im no expert
on just what a father is in short
but ill hold you crying anytime
i can tell you're feeling torn
found me a flame all the way from NOLA
and its there ive heard you returned
or is it somewhere different now
the storms seemed quite concerning
here the land of mordor hangs thick still among the air
the mountains
folding into caves of crystal vanishing into a thin chair
we are the lonely hearts of the glistening land of the world's last trees and
ive lost everything many times
including the times that i lost me yet
with you im oddly centered and only 4 people make this happen so far
come on back to rainland friend
and let me learn more who you are
people are good today i say to myself as i lay in the bed of a new place
this time for maybe an eternity
think about what you said about the world to me
we could talk about anything
and you actually listened to the things i said
now your the goddess of the weather
and im the goddess of sound
elsewhere the goddess of scribbled lines is drawing the scripture down
after a year of banishing
nice to become reconnected in
vanishing
walking down the broken zipper sidewalk in the burning rain
comes one in a black tweed coat
in their old haunt again
has it become time already
to be growing old
at least i may have better results
at least that's what I'm told
it may also help that ive seen to know this for some time now
i could dare to say that i may even be in my prime now
22 feels 42 years younger than i am and always will
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17. |
One Little Detail
05:01
|
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nothing goes wrong here
except me whos already wrong
she said
no one gets hurt here
except all the eyes on my shirt
she said
one little detail makes or breaks it
this empire is what it breaks
before it remembers how to fall apart
it uses me to stay wide awake
this life's electric
and so's the fellatio you give
she said once
when are we saving up to buy that island
she asks me all the god damn time
one little detail is all it took
to fuck your name up in every book
and set you up for fame's white cake
all eyes on you now don't even make an eighth of a mistake
so maybe they try
but do they really try hard enough
so maybe they try
but do they really try hard enough
could it be that you value their own life
a little more than you do mine and my sisters
even though you try
but only just enough
so you can keep all that ive already lost
always stand for the little man
then sit down for the tall hairy tran
ive seen you around the corner
with the cop in that pink hat
one little detail makes the world spin
makes you invisible and seen as sin
your god doesn't have to love me
i know plenty more who do
one little detail turns yr greeting
from ladies to gentlemen
one little moment ruins some poor girls day again
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18. |
Just Me
08:08
|
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im not related
im just me
im the invisible rings around every planet and everything
im every leaf of grass
every stem of every plant
im the smiling face inside your night light
im the stroke of genius in the pen or the pick in your hand
im not related
there are not others
ive never been born
i am just me
i am the sound that your eye makes when you see your partners
i am the sound your head makes
when your thoughts get darker
i am the words "i am a girl
always have been and always will"
i am the sound of four tires
screeching away from childhood hills
im not related
there are not others
never been born
im just me
hold me while i scream in their direction
reach into my body and pull out the poisoned section
close it up again with a gentle thread
take away the hurricanes tell them the earth inside is all dead
spill out fractured letters written in a quivering red
burn the bridge that fed you
bathe in its ashes
nothing left to have said
some have called me mother
some have called me daughter
some have called me girlfriend and honey and things that are so much softer
some didnt know me
told me to sing them a song
i coughed up two broken words in tears and they sang along
im not related
there are not others
never been born
im just me
even if you tell me your family
in the end im just me
expect me to aggressively call you a good friend, im just me
expect me to be nothing more than unfulfilling, i never could be anything more than just me
|
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19. |
Dani Lee Pearce Denver, Colorado
nb trans songwriter orignally from the west coast
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