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Vanishing Into a Thin Chair

by Dani Lee Pearce

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1.
i got a pack on the hunt for me their monochrome flags with the one blue stripe ive made my bed in the trunk in wooden crosshairs waiting for the truth of how they know me to shred me ripe succeeding this life is russian roulette played with a blank reaching for an old couple across a world-long lake i hold my olive branch the olives plucked and promptly thrown to the dogs over the old wire gate they smile so sweetly dodge so plainly avoiding openness with soft and tender blindness they will do anything to manufacture kindness theyll even use my name accidentally castigated invalidated maybe even one day forceably castrated unadvocated investigated quietly slated for uncertainties to come some backwoods strangers who call themselves my cousins they don’t want to see me cause they know theyd wanna kill me hey deadname your hair has gotten so fuckin long and your clothes are so much brighter than the ones you used to wear i have evidence that i cant show its in the way i always feel and how the cycles unfurl all i meet they never see the broken girl underneath i am the greatest unsung actor in the whole fucking world its so easy to love a country that hates everything that it taught you to hate as well yes its me the faggot bastard child who always let you down have you come to watch me die here’s the thorns, make your crown go tell them its gods will to just accept it our son chose this fate he can’t regret it we only hope he was prepared to accept his fate of choice that’s what happens you play with the wrong toys
2.
nighttime screaming morning smile cause your genuine every now and a while mask on mask off i got something you seem to want or need is it want it really is need nighttime scream and morning smile im just the kid who is conveniently forgetful its all in my head cause that’s where you want it kept isn’t it so nice to have a secret that I won’t ever let out nighttime scream and morning smile in my room 5 hours a night strip down yr fugitive and may they learn well or may they learn hell in a hacky sack
3.
there were times i would tend to forget the things that triggered you you would tell me your a bad friend id say thats ok i am too crossing scars and crossing stars i would always wish there was something i could do whenever i watched you leave the room but i knew someone loving was nearby most of the time and i felt good knowing you'd be fine and i hope we can stay bad friends forever jumping back and forth in book and song and i hope i can stay clever for you there were times i was so afraid that pain would keep us distanced panic in the front seat switching in the back seat walking in the dark thinking that i wasn't wanted later i would hear you tell me that you all are always thinking about me and your expression when you hear about the newest thing im writing matches all yr own in its unabashed beauty and you'd show me all the newest things you also wrote and i'd be so in awe cause yr such a genius how are you not a best selling et i still remember when you said the same thing to me how you wish we could set aside our traumas and illness and engage on the artistic level we know that we both want to nowadays its all the more revitalizing to me just to be able to see you again and feel like we'll be bad friends forever jumping back and forth in book and song and i hope i can stay clever for you let's keep on being bad friends forever
4.
Bethany 05:45
lost a lot like i the price thats paid for being a kid in our time how long has it been at least since ought five to tell you the truth from what ive heard its amazing that were both still alive but why do you listen to her never did nothing but hurt her little girl for nigh on 20 years what makes you think she wouldnt do the same to you if you were hers thats right i hope that doesn't surprise you just that you would probably remember me would just as much surprise me ive been a girl now for some time if that drives you away thats okay i dont really expect anyone to be kind the places you look for your answers just so you know are the same places where the questions all began to grow she wears a smile where her heart should hang bears a pair of glass crosses shaved into a pair of fangs holding a spirit made of ashes in her eyes seeping from the holy acid in her blood
5.
I am not defined by what destroys me I cannot relate to that which I endulge it's a bigger beast than i ever hoped to be keeping all its slaves contained in its bulge I am not the face of my victor I am not a wall between me and the needing heart I am not a platform to be stood on by a rich man and if my light blub heart goes out forever I can light a candle to keep my name I was raised in the wettest cold so I'm sure I'll be warm if I get older I'll be warm when, not if, I get older even in another life I'd power on I wouldn't have to change anything nobody learns anything in heaven many would be itching again for a fun little fling I'd like to hope we'll still celebrate my birthday run away and find a deer bone fairy circle in the woods then to fields where we will all scream and fall on each other with great abandon and if my light blub heart goes out forever I can light a candle to keep my name I was raised in the wettest cold so I'm sure I'll be warm if I get older I'll be warm when, not if, I get older I am here to live through what I was given and give life to whom I was put close to I don't care if it makes you livid that I'm smiling even in this bed even if im crushed by the weight of 20 shields I will still see Chelsea walking free and in those languishing moments ill smile and think that does it enough for me and if our light blub hearts go out forever We can light a candle to keep our name I was raised in the wettest cold so I'm sure I'll be warm if I get older I'll be warm when, not if, I get older
6.
a cancer sun a leo sun the cat and the crustacean wondering where the rams gone the ram they knew wasn’t full grown didn’t have her horns in had a lot of thorns in her hooves and they never had to feel the cane of a shepherd or the sheering knife the cat and crustacean did watch one day the ram say im keeping that which keeps me warm ill let it grow in all the colors its commanding you won’t recover me I’m not just simply lost the ram she hardly looks a ram now but something much wiser and sager her horns grown and promptly shaved the small crustaceans only just now discovering what there is outside of a molted shell the cat waits for something nobody knows what her motives are uncertain for the time, oh well a cancer sun a leo sun the cat and the crustacean wondering where the rams gone
7.
Is someone living inside that barn, is it just another shadow spun out of yarn Am I the only girl living in these woods are the wolves my sisters have they got the goods I've never seen a building taller than my head and the fog makes me think the perimeter's dead and we've risen up island in the sky a big blanket of trees with a dark deep eye The place on the corner's been a bar and a gift shop a fishing shop an abandoned shack the path splits apart going high up a hill I shout at the old house it shouts back hear an old man yell and a young one cry like the birds and the bees and someone's weary sigh See the boys have congregated hear something being amputated is there a snowstorm or is it just all of this fucking town's insufferable white crust I walked in barefoot in the gravel to the woods back there I blend in perfect thanks to my green hair My Whole world used to be on this shire in hell and I burned in the grins I cracked I fell through the cornfield craving its waste shouting at the old house and hearing something shout back in haste Every yard got a dog and every dog's got a plan The wilder they got when the farther they ran I'm amazed that I can come and go as I am Born here a tree stump, die near a tran Down the roads that fold like a sailor's knot Near the church so I can go and see what ghosts they got I'll have a big yard next to the old ravine finally a place I can lay down and scream The place on the corner's been a bar and a gift shop a fishing shop now a leaf on a stick shack black smoke rising in the backyard beyond the old house screaming hard
8.
Terrified 01:54
they just took franklins head off of the hundred dollar bill and replaced it with my girlcock because i am important of course that all was a way bakc when capitalism broke our minds and men wore these big suit and ties and now they just wear nothing and im terrified terrified terrified terrified im terrified terrified terrified terrified my parents would be so mad at me for writing songs that sound like this im such a disbehaving girl i can't believe im even kissed don't ask me for another song this is the only one i'll play and then i'll nervously run off and piss myself backstage cause im so terrified terrified terrified terrified im terrified terrified terrified terrified that's all the words that's all the words don't look at me don't look at me that's all the words that's all the words don't look at me don't look at me that's all the words that's all the words don't look at me don't look at me that's all the words that's all the words don't look at me don't look at me im terrified terrified terrified terrified im terrified terrified terrified terrified
9.
Terrifying 07:10
loosening your grip on my hand despondent staring at our legs crossed on the lawn as the blossoms trinkle down and a branch above my head lets loose and im covered in pink from head to shoes i look at you but you aren't even laughing and it then occurs to me neither am I we are so much the same like we both feel its going badly somewhere along the way i made a huge mistake and that mistake was me being born under the wrong stars time and time again have we been poisoned since when we were small and were we never able to really ugly cry about it at all in the arms of a gentle terror like my own
10.
she taught her love was happiness when she was miserable she taught her love was misery when she was maybe happy she taught her love was screaming at a flower in her hair she taught her love is hate and hate is only an opinion she taught her love is making sure she knows that shes an idiot she taught her love is screaming at her when she feels like it and for my next trick ill go into a she taught her that she was a son not a daughter that she was a sin to be slaughtered she made her think she bought her always likes to pretend she caught her dead red handed in the act like a bandit from the rat trap that chases her down in the dreams she gets off at she taught her love is worshipping her when it is mothers day she taught her love is worshipping her when its her birthday she taught her love is worshipping her cause shes supposed to she taught her love is throwing her straight out of nest when she cant fly yet so she just explodes upon the ground and she lies back smiles slowly at the other baby birds beside her and for my next trick ill be forced into a chorus i told her all the things that she said to me i said get ready for the consequences that you set for me are you slipping in your black and white world right now? cast down beat around the bush whackin no good dirty rotten pig stealing great great grandfather motherfuckin crease wipe lead pipe lots of life in my brain wife
11.
Mother Maybe 04:24
talk to me with a soft smile reassuring voice sit with me ask me a question you think i should answer is there anything that you find interesting in me or are you just curious naturally i know im pretty quiet or lost in a different space i figure you can identify the lakes that seem to coat my face or maybe the hear the silent call i always make in a house full of people where i wander alone looking like i cried myself awake could you be my new mother maybe maybe could you be my real mother maybe maybe come to me once in a while or a lifetime even when im not there please come here any day any time is fine everywhere i go im seen like a creature some places though im seen like a teacher in this house we are all teachers i know im pretty different wildly strange at times the fire and water crashing in my heart creates many unusual paradigms your heart shaped hands and tight embrace makes everything momentarily fall in the right place could you be my new mother maybe maybe could you be my real mother maybe maybe
12.
Favorite 03:21
am I your favorite am i their favorite blood dripping from a crate unseen falling asleep on the screen broadcasting death endlessly i was not the girl of the girl of my dreams' dreams so i had to grow by other alternative means mother called me the favorite her favorite to hate and i think i may have run from home too late dont be swayed by the way my eyes are flashing just eating the contents of my purse thats normal oh god im sorry god damn im crushing this is awkward wow im gay im straight im grey ace its just that yr amazing and such you are my favorite some days my movements may jerk and i may pull the fabric of our life at the seems am i a walking target will the man with the torch in his hand stare with killer eyes at me
13.
id talk to you if that was what you wanted youre sitting at the table right next to mine i cant tell if you know thats me under the black sunhat under the antique coffee machine i know now that I shouldn't be told id talk to you if i had more courage but you seem like you have better friends the circles have shifted a lot around here no one seems to like each other anymore distant it seems that one perfect summer we all had together before id talk to you if you actually bothered to listen before you talked to me back i dont give a fuck that your older i dont give a fuck if you think youre wise especially when you think your religion has given you perfect eyes id talk to you if they would allow me to talk to you again it might be many years before then think of me i hope you learn to love me as ive learned to love you and miss you dearly as ive learned to love you and miss you clearly
14.
I Once 02:13
I once knew a boy who always came to school late always sat alone staring at the back gate now she's one of the most pretty girls I've ever seen I still come back to that old school and see her crying I once knew a girl who plucked me out from heaven asked me isn't it so fucking dull up there and I said yes she left me fist held to her soul; that look she gives me Must I be a fire sign engulfed by sea and I once pulled a string and you were on the other end you asked me did I meet the pidgeon with the letter that you sent I wrapped her softly in a blanket i replied, gave her some tea she'd flown so far and couldn't make it but she tried. I once met a moon I underestimated just how gay she was she left me fully wasted that moon was just a meteor they said to me the next day I almost said a prayer but I just said, "okay" I once knew a girl who had the deer-in-light stare was cast in a film a fully written nightmare mad scientist director waved around his giant sceptor tore her heart out then instructed her to do the scene without it and I once knew a man who died listening to this song
15.
another death inside my phone another sigil scrawling another pair of new eyes watching in awe as i play guitar kind of badly born inside an underwater monster who breathed through her eyes i aged 55 in just one day and swam into a deep orange sky i was chosen by the angel of motherhood she placed her claws on me sucked away my drive and vitality my artistic light my need to fight turned it into what became this beautiful creature in my arms and all i can think about now is how terribly i will disappoint them you sent me a picture of you naked sprawled across yr bed again it looked as if i was laying naked next to you kissing your soft pretty head again buried in our long dark hair there's a light within yr moans next month we never knew each other and you find another to call home i was chosen by the angel of motherhood she placed her claws on me sucked away my drive and vitality my artistic light my need to fight turned it into what became this beautiful creature in my arms and all i can think about now is how hellish the world will be when they come of age another breath into my sage leaves lost in estrodiol smoke another desperate message another wish that id just choke i was chosen by the angel of motherhood she placed her claws on me sucked away my drive and vitality my artistic light my need to fight turned it into what became this beautiful creature in my arms and all i can think about now is how badly i will accidentally hurt them is how many times ill just break down and cry with them
16.
Vanishing 06:43
san pellegrino with frozen candy and some forgotten drink a raspy frail black cat with bowie eyes just about on the brink you mention to me that somethings up in the basement where i sleep for the night my mind runs wild when you leave the room i dont feel safe even in the light are there muppet like ghosts with no pupils in their eyes no bodies at all shaking and chillingly bellowing something the ghost of yr grandma haunting this place in a bathroom straight out of the shining in the room in which i dare not face, she who died vanishing into a growing sea people are good today i say to myself as i lay in the couch of a new place just for a day or two or three think about what you said about yr dad to me and what he abruptly said leaving to that old wizard you told me theres more i dont pretend like i dont see what neverybody's not looking for i can safely say that im no expert on just what a father is in short but ill hold you crying anytime i can tell you're feeling torn found me a flame all the way from NOLA and its there ive heard you returned or is it somewhere different now the storms seemed quite concerning here the land of mordor hangs thick still among the air the mountains folding into caves of crystal vanishing into a thin chair we are the lonely hearts of the glistening land of the world's last trees and ive lost everything many times including the times that i lost me yet with you im oddly centered and only 4 people make this happen so far come on back to rainland friend and let me learn more who you are people are good today i say to myself as i lay in the bed of a new place this time for maybe an eternity think about what you said about the world to me we could talk about anything and you actually listened to the things i said now your the goddess of the weather and im the goddess of sound elsewhere the goddess of scribbled lines is drawing the scripture down after a year of banishing nice to become reconnected in vanishing walking down the broken zipper sidewalk in the burning rain comes one in a black tweed coat in their old haunt again has it become time already to be growing old at least i may have better results at least that's what I'm told it may also help that ive seen to know this for some time now i could dare to say that i may even be in my prime now 22 feels 42 years younger than i am and always will
17.
nothing goes wrong here except me whos already wrong she said no one gets hurt here except all the eyes on my shirt she said one little detail makes or breaks it this empire is what it breaks before it remembers how to fall apart it uses me to stay wide awake this life's electric and so's the fellatio you give she said once when are we saving up to buy that island she asks me all the god damn time one little detail is all it took to fuck your name up in every book and set you up for fame's white cake all eyes on you now don't even make an eighth of a mistake so maybe they try but do they really try hard enough so maybe they try but do they really try hard enough could it be that you value their own life a little more than you do mine and my sisters even though you try but only just enough so you can keep all that ive already lost always stand for the little man then sit down for the tall hairy tran ive seen you around the corner with the cop in that pink hat one little detail makes the world spin makes you invisible and seen as sin your god doesn't have to love me i know plenty more who do one little detail turns yr greeting from ladies to gentlemen one little moment ruins some poor girls day again
18.
Just Me 08:08
im not related im just me im the invisible rings around every planet and everything im every leaf of grass every stem of every plant im the smiling face inside your night light im the stroke of genius in the pen or the pick in your hand im not related there are not others ive never been born i am just me i am the sound that your eye makes when you see your partners i am the sound your head makes when your thoughts get darker i am the words "i am a girl always have been and always will" i am the sound of four tires screeching away from childhood hills im not related there are not others never been born im just me hold me while i scream in their direction reach into my body and pull out the poisoned section close it up again with a gentle thread take away the hurricanes tell them the earth inside is all dead spill out fractured letters written in a quivering red burn the bridge that fed you bathe in its ashes nothing left to have said some have called me mother some have called me daughter some have called me girlfriend and honey and things that are so much softer some didnt know me told me to sing them a song i coughed up two broken words in tears and they sang along im not related there are not others never been born im just me even if you tell me your family in the end im just me expect me to aggressively call you a good friend, im just me expect me to be nothing more than unfulfilling, i never could be anything more than just me
19.

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released June 28, 2020

All songs written, composed, sung, and produced by Dani Lee Pearce.
All Artwork and photos by Dani Lee Pearce.
Electric Guitar on "She Taught Her" by Fel Fike

Composed and recorded August-November 2016, August-November 2017,
February-December 2018, May 2020

Middle section of "Just Me" adapted from a piece first composed January 2013

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Dani Lee Pearce Denver, Colorado

nb trans songwriter orignally from the west coast

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