hello am i in heaven? no? oh well well then am i in hell? nah i didn’t think its too cold here but where am i then? oh god am i.... am i nowhere? where did the mixteress send me like i got osmosized this is no purgatory i know where is the central energy is no one watching over this realm are other souls even here so yr saying i gotta be like, wait an adult? bitch im dead whats up with that im done doing shit life was enough i just wanna play the video games that i never learned to play in all the languages i never learned tp understand and maybe eat the foods that i never had a taste for maybe i can smoke and drink now just to wonder what it feels like since it cant kill me now my allergies are gone so’s my gag reflex, woah i could shove such a gigantic dick down my throat and actually take it for as long as what would make my partner happy finally i can actually eat the amount i feel and i never have to shit again piss if i want to, thats still fun sometimes the sign says nothing sometimes there is no sign sometimes the sign says nowhere sometimes the name is written in a language not of the planet im from sometimes the sign hits me with all question marx and lenin i hear FOSTA dying i hear SESTA falling down

heard you missed me do you think youve gotten stronger don't be surprised but i know that im surprising im sort of mythic but without as many tentacles i hear you calling from beyond this supercluster or from the dwelling of a giant beast below the crust i could just tie you up and turn you into stone or i could just show you into your dying days how alone you are well its some years following your torrent of dread yet im looking better bitter than you ever did but dont sink yourself frowning i know your just a little wild for i can reel you in and throw you back with just a little smile the memory of you has been such a muse i stare deep into your picture on the wall and scream with laughter i dance on dream fabric pulled out strand by strand from the unconscious grasp of your once brutal masters hand my gift is nothing more than my dirty charm really ain’t that all that but its a shot in the arm dont fuck with mortals maybe fuck them sometimes they cant seem to take me cause they burn to ash and die

A Consummate Pursuit is as much a Cancer as it is Elixir of Life. its a fickle little thing weve kept in a jar from the glass in your morningstar A Consummate Pursuit is as much a Cancer as it is Elixir of Life. its a fickle little thing weve kept in a vase from the scene of your cold murder case let me situate myself get my bearings on the day do we really want to all end our lives this way we can destroy and make joy with the wheat and the soy and the silicon rubble of LA we wade through these rivers oh these blessed rivers and old mills with new castaways for the hammer must fall thats the clarion call for the beasts to all wither they say but do we see them but do we see them A Consummate Pursuit is as much a Cancer as it is Elixir of Life. its a fickle little thing weve kept in a vase from the scene of your cold murder case is there a place that is the most romantic to die in and be laid to rest is there a tree that is the most pedantic to leave two types of fruit in one nest we may very well live far beyond what has been when our normal expectancy is due the radical possibilities of a full life flood into the head of me and you for the first time

god does punish me for im more beautiful than she god does punish me didn’t calculate for me did she made me in her image made my torment from her vices hardened me into a gem and then invented her a crisis some say knowledge is knowing that image will only stretch so far the difference from godly and human in the brain is nonexistant to the point of being bizarre does the mirror see it the mirror sees flesh emotion heart and form wound and scar and fractured mental junction sees intellect it does not sees character does not sees all that it can make glossy and neat presentable sugar sweet she knew if she were her own image that she could not manage now she’s feeling all the darts she threw with great intrusive will god does punish me for this i know too clearly god does punish me she hates when vision shines on her defeat kate ran up that hill and she did make that deal left immortal imperfect and got the power that she needs living high and proud she knows just how to drape her shroud what to hide, whom to provide unto with all the power that shes got her silver eyes are wondershot with the milk of her earth the honey of her haven upon the peopled ground her own little twist through the windy bend of silk severed soul splattered sound she knew if she were her own image that she could not manage now she’s feeling all the darts she threw with great intrusive will she says i made you to be a failure sonny boy don’t fight against yr predetermined destiny just hush now child, want a cartoon or a toy a big house with all the money in the world to help your friends survive what need do you have to make music anyway now this is all you wanted from it that and you were also just lonely i cant let you be a star youd become too powerful and threaten my holy czardom i can’t let you be an icon i designed this world so trannies like yourself would always falter always suffer some say that knowledge is knowing the brain is a mirror within every being and even gods god as a human she ain’t doing so well shes just screamin 8 days straight please just let me back in hell why did i think to make billionaires and perishable things i can feel my body dying in the rugged air we still stand we dare to dream in the nightmare land i got the good goddess at my feet shes my big bad bottom bitch and thats candy sweet going on 21, 22 i got 8 years and a whole a lotta shit to do but then when ive survived and pushing 35 ill bring you back, turn water into your blood type god does punish me through her children so now i punish her through her children catra’s coming back now shadow oh shit who let the three headed dogs out

my dumb giant feet trip over yr world no shoes ever been made do fit me dancing’s a war and the stairs just shit me giant feet tripped over my girl and she bit me the trains go on their way, hey those were my roller skates let me hurt how i want i have to burn to simmer down let some buildings fall if they have to maybe they were meant to long legged lesbian with the raven legs her much shorter girlfriend in arms that reach for days long legged lezzy bumped her head on the moon feels with the heart of a newborn raccoon my dumb giant feet appearing in monster movies my dumb giant feet don’t fly well with my roomies payless, nike don’t give no fancy none still got no sparkles on the merchandise i work with dumb giant feet they give me away they give me away they give me away ill never not be a lifetime friend just hope you know i get ugly let me hurt how i want let me wrestle it by my rules hit it below the belt it gets the job done right away long legged lesbian her nets caging apollo swings those skyscraper legs and busts a hole in the mirror ball long legged lesbian blocking out a noonday sun titan among giants, not the only one bitchzilla my hairs growin so long i dunno where it ends i dont know where the shit goes down or where they make amends covers up my voice i only muffle now i cannot shout hair so long and screaming would you like to help me rip some out swing those skyscraper legs ill never not be a lifetime friend just hope you know i get ugly ill always be a lifetime friend just hope you know i get ugly the trains go on their way, hey those were my roller skates the trains go on their way, hey those were my roller skates long legged lez twirling in a very long but still too short skirt her small lesbian friends are very entertained

i was too low for the all gorl show too low too low whatcha doin out here with a voice like tom waits and a face like tilda swinton bashing my perception around like a birdie in badminton whatcha doin out here with a build like a swimmer bits like a snail ego like a sinner all of us here are allowed to take our clothes off you better stay covered no one wants to see u ever ever ever quick glance while wearing the good pants so sweet polite, kind even secretly hope that im never seen again this is an F3 to A6 night only reaching doesnt count we know a falsetto like clockwork now you get out of here its a 165 to 255 you stick there or stick out and even then up to 180 well be picky, get me? get me? i was too low for the all gorl show too low too low whatcha doin out here takin up girl space being all square all up in your face you think im just wielding the weapon of my seed im a woman with with x or a y but what about a z im the only one not shaved only one not shaved only one not shaved only one only one and to top it all off im actually not the only one theres more of us but for them its a statement for me its just a whole mistake peach fuzz like cactus needles so dry looking like the worst disguise ever dont have the funds to go the full horse you think one would appreciate the efforts i made to try quick glance fake a trance so sweet polite, kind even secretly hope that im never seen again this is an F3 to A6 night only reaching doesnt count we know a falsetto like clockwork now you get out of here its a 165 to 255 you stick there or stick out and even then up to 180 well be picky, get me? get me? i was too low for the all gorl show too low too low i met someone who made the rain start and i met someone who made the rain stop she kinda went kafoush and it made the thunder crack she dove into the bed and never came back i met some people who made me grow up i met some people who never let me live it down i met myself even. that was quite strange she talked in a language i don’t speak i sent a message to nobody specific i forget if it was kind or not i kind of wasnt there i checked 50 times making sure its not horrific i think im okay i think i think i think not know only think and every form i took i was hurt and every form i took i was told i didnt hurt enough and every form i take i am told that it is fake and every form i took i cried out harder when nothing hit me sing me something that looks like a string so i can tie it round my brutalist ring and keep the time ticking and keep the closure off then give yourself an ass kicking quick glance fake a trance so sweet polite, kind even secretly hope that im never seen again this is an F3 to A6 night only reaching doesnt count we know a falsetto like clockwork now you get out of here its a 165 to 255 you stick there or stick out and even then up to 180 well be picky, get me? get me? i was too low for the all gorl show too low too low im throwing my own show and i got a bigger audience than you im throwing my own show and i got more fans than you

i see the weight packed tight on a bending scale i see hundreds of ghosts cry for someone to listen i hear the thieves dressed in angel costumes walking on the floor over where i lie in wait clutching a silver knife tight between two rows of metal teeth i got the wires of this place routed nicely into my device i fear my way of living is no longer so forgiving ive hung up the cape and condom-dresser crowded myself with every stresser friend ive ever schemed with depressers that ive dreamed with every monster that ive screamed with every truth ive ever deemed myth may the smith craft me so finely under her coal ink is my soul the ink marrow soul my blood and sweat my tears and piss my taint and all else that i missed words that stay aren't in the world today now the words that stay change or are not even there what is structure what constructure structure of the cunt in my heart structure in the cunt of my heart two arteries are just two fingers with endless sustain and endless refrain of intent nicely bent nicely bent if it takes 4 to make one more wed better make 8 more the journey begins a kid with a horse that i played this song for that i wrote this letter to and jumped the gate through the kid never sleeps he never eats still got the guts to go fucking round the shadow temple play your drums make some noise find out niether of us are boys use your mirror hit that shield categoryless i refuse to yield

the case of a sentence a take on an easy bake oven like sentience the case of a sentence a stake through the takeaway message they try with us my nostrils got roses from all yr new poses yr ink marrow soaks me all cozy like two legs just takin E popping 3 once a week would try to be on more frequently years pass in weeks with the therapist seeking my time look at everything that you can see that is green is it envy i ask is the globe bleeding jealousy that it could not live on itself atlas did shrug and he shrieked and he dabbed and he freaked cause the book about him was not what he commissioned to receive ill grieve when the dying stops i can’t walk through a river that deep two outlaw christians on boones ferry road share the word of the ok-but-not-as-good-book that they wrote themselves reclaimin the souls of my cousins the kids who got stung by a grandfather buzzin from woman to four different other women four different strands of blood family relations, odd omens in ink marrow drippin from groaning nervous lips the insecure awkwardness before the transformation that tears all my clothes makes me roar makes me wild im the ink marrow treacle girl and now i will smile i would explode if the human torch touched me dont care if yr flaming youre still the same still the same

4 little misfits who live in the trees head to the house of the raggetys answer the doorbell in smile and little songs they cry for food dont have to cry for long reversing time and stealing strings of lights and shiny things they just want their home to be bright they just want their home to be right two old dwarves who married years ago welcome them in with bowls of cheerios they rest in both their beards as the night gets very cold so the dwarves roll out a mattress and sleep with them on the floor coverted in quilts and blankets galore A Consummate Pursuit is as much a Cancer as it is Elixir of Life. The Difference Between Living to 40 and Dying at 40 and falling backwards into 97 shock beyond horror seduce beyond heart and a spike beyond the mortal (Elixir of Life) and reduce back to the start of the very first mouth that it birthed from another shower conversation the price of finding a muse is ruin running on a treadmill for 1000 miles towards a painting just out of reach forever energized toward but blind to see you dont see me empty sheets of office paper flying right out of the carriage (Elixir of Life) of an erika typewriter held by white gloves of one particular maroon haired journalist in the backseat of a chevy hatchback silver-lined convertible electric car its not a matter of body envy the body just takes what it wants to soak into mistress clutching invisible hands soak up the ink residue (Elixir of Life) leaving empty trees on plastic park sand to hold a silent picnic at a solitary table “the price of finding a muse is ruin” is scratched in a stretch of plank on the seating as the rain showers signed with signature dragon etching rings they dont see me right before i was born i turned and said to god “in this life, I Am going to rule the world, but do it My way.” god responded “Oh No You Don’t You Little BITCH” and in response to That i tore gods dick off and stuck it where my pussy used to be for good luck then i made my descent. seeing my old haunt the place i roughed it in my younglin years the parks i slept at the benches where i ate my lunch and brekkies and dinner i still know where all the best foods are cause where i am now, still dont know, where to go to get a decent burrito

i typecast myself again as the lone wolf trekking through forest late at night unarmed and unable to see i dont give a shit. i dont care if they shoot me shiv me bleed me out fuck my dead ass til i split fuck my dead mouth til i get alligatored fuck my dead ears til the drums smash fuck my dead nostrils til my whole body reeks of venison and white leather fuck every single hole that they shot into me toss me into a wood chipper and turn me into a bloody cum infused mulch that they use to color the white house lawn and impulsively declare it a seasonal change for valentines day so that every cis white family across the country starts doing it i fire the biggest penetrating shot of all, the forced revelation of the true demon barber of fleet street hiding under the suit serving the bodies of the slain as your dinner at Stanfords i join the committee and add my bit to the case while the ark scene from raiders keeps inching its way toward them ill die even if it means whoopie im getting the fuck out of here whats another 24-27 year old tranny like me anyway theyll say my wrong name and everything else and my parents will seize the opportunity like a fresh insurance check to take control of my life narrative. to pacify me and erase me in place of an old painting of me when i was 10, dressed as the biblical prophet bearing my deadname. flip this album play it in reverse as they erase every second of it back to the beginning as they will do the same to me too in proud cooperation with their centuries old constituency. or ill somehow not die. somehow ill unrealistically single handedly destroy all that keeps us down and be hailed as super tran. thats the most undesirable outcome. to inexplicably do that much just for herodom. to take up all this monumental space previously occupied by what i had just destroyed robbing the more deserving and the more belonging of it. to create unrealistic expectations of the self when i never even expect much out of me. just not getting another health scare maybe. keeping my loved ones here, within loving distance. to love my brain and my brain to love me. the Hammer must fall, and so must Bethyl, onto her bed. even monsters follow a circadian rhythm. its a structure not meant to stand and i was never meant to cause this much with my one working hand. i try to do it deep down because i know it has to be. i know i wont succeed. but at least maybe i could show someone how far i get before i finally collapse. i am no hero. i never want to be a hero. just a friend. just a bitch with a secluded house and some trees, one day. i consider finding a way to return to my true home of ireland. maybe poland too, when it can eventually heal. but home for me is wherever i was put. things still grow in deserts, life bubbles up from magma, and flowers sprout from the bulging veins on screaming foreheads, indicating they will be the new host. i build my home between rivers that freeze and big calm lakes where the world ends half way in and your just lost looking into it. my village expands to two houses, two families, with more to come, building from the ground up a generosity in healing, growth, and the yields by those beyond the populist deity. we become Super Trans, defined by a new state of being. everything is a beast to be tamed and untamed. tomorrow, i learn which one is me. and at the end of it, that is the world that I will rule.

when one of your friends die make the whole world mourn for them.